This may be my last journal entry so read through it carefully.
All my life society has been on my back, trying to fix something that wasn't broke, until it finally broke. I am the thing society decided to fix and I am the thing society broke. These next few lines will outline all of society's mistakes with me.
Diagnosing me with add adhd and other stuff - First off right now I'm off my meds, and I don't show any sign of having add or adhd or any of the crap they had diagnosed me with. Sure I have an anger problem bu so did my father, and apparently my father before me, so there's not something wrong with my head the anger issues is just something that runs in the family. Considering the scottish/irish/polish descent I'm pretty sure it's normal because the scottish/irish/polish are kind of an angry people I suppose or perhaps they are just slightly more aggressive than normal which is what I am.
Trying to put me in juvenile school - At the time this was happening I hadn't even thrown my first punch I had never hit anyone and juvenile is supposed to be for only the worst cases of misbehaved children, yet the only thing I can see myself being guilty for is just being obnoxious to adults as a child, plus i wasn't even 10 years old at the time so clearly something was fucked up about the whole situation. If my mother hadn't decided to move to Maryland away I would've ended up there and probably get killed by one of the bigger kids cuz remember juvi is where the biggest baddest bullies go. All I can say is WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH THE GUYS WHO DECIDED TO PUT ME IN JUVENILE?
Putting me in rockford twice - Rockford is literally the first time I've ever wanted to burn a place down and watch the people working the as their flesh melts from their bone. I went in not so fat, and came out fatter just because of the medicine they put me on, even now I still haven't managed to work off the fat gain because of them, though at 230 lbs and holding, it's pretty clear that losing any more is going to take quite a bit more effort than it took to lost the first 70. Also because of this experience I became far more introverted, not willing to go out into society. and also started the habit of my punching my own mother who did nothing to stop all of this, though she was in her 70's. Simply remembering the times brings me to tears with remorse. I didn't start feeling remorse or any kind of regret until long after had gone off my meds, if this isn't the right way to feel about this, than society as well as humans are more twisted than I thought.
The residential home - Nothing to say here except that it's essentially the same mistakes made when they put me in rockford. This residential home is "society's" attempt to make me a productive member in it, but after everything society has done to me in the past it's no fucking wonder why I don't want a job to contribute back to it. After all why the hell should I contribute back to society when all it has done and will ever do to me is hurt me? The day program is boring and not intellectually stimulating in any way, the only stimulation I got from it was reading Steven Hawkings a Brief History in Time, none of the other books there held any interest for me whatsoever. The people who work at the residential home itself rub me the wrong way most of the time, so I spend virtually all of my time in my room, only coming out for food and drink, and going to the bathroom. The 1v1 program that I was with when I was still liviing in my old home worked far better at making me want to go out and do things than this which just makes me wish I was dead.
Obviously shit happened and I ended up in this place, me and my father are almost exactly alike even in appearance. He showed me a picture of himself when he was young and it LOOKS like me with a much more pronounced beard. Heck even our sense of humor and mannerism are almost identical, but unlike him he never ended up being medicated and he turned out fine. Makes me really wonder where I'd be if society hadn't been fucking around with my brain chemistry. Seriously I had dreams of being a chemist, and astronaut, even an astrophysicist, and now my greatest dream is to get married and have a kid, not because is the american dream but because for me it would mean society didn't completely fuck me up; it would've of meant redemption at least for me, but I've never had a crush. I haven't had a single girlfriend in my 24 years of living not once. I'm definitely attracted to the opposite sex so why. Maybe society really did mess me up bad with those unnecessary meds.
The fact that I haven't shoved a knife through my own heart is surprising to say the least even when holding it up to my chest where my heart is, I cannot do it, hesitation sets in before I finally just can't do it. You would think with my life as horribly meddled in as it was and turned upside down by society's unnecessary interventions in it, that I would be more than willing to finally end it all, but no. I don't understand my own hesitation towards suicide, maybe I still believe redemption will come, maybe I still have hope, maybe I still have a chance, so many maybes and yet none of them seem to really fit why I would still be so damn hesitant about self termination. I guess the only thing I can hope for is dying unexpectedly, since I'm apparently incapable of ending my own existence.
With all this said and done society expects me to change myself for the better but why the hell should I when society refuses to do the same.